When we lose a loved one, whether by a broken relationship or by unexpected death, the most difficult part we experience is the vacuum of loss we feel in our hearts.

All of a sudden, a very significant part of our life, maybe the biggest or most important part is taken away. There is no immediate replacement. What we have left is just a BIG VOID, an empty space, a black hole we cannot understand. We feel hallow, like our hearts have suddenly been taken away.

Our problems therefore are two-fold:

1. Lack of anything to look forward to for the next day and for the many many days to come.

2. No person to share with our thoughts, our dreams, our trivial problems, our discoveries, the funny experiences we have from day to day.

For the one thing that changed, that became absent in our life, everything else seems to have changed as well, everything was BROKEN.

I will not say that there is a magic formula. But I will try to suggest some things that could help. Do note however that the following only applies at the point of total loss or separation, where nothing could ever be done to remedy the situation. For breakups that need to be thought about, for relationships that need to be healed, for situations that need to be fought with all your strength and with everything you have, do not apply this yet. Thou can live with loss, but thou shalt not live with regret.

1. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT

I know, I know. That's technically impossible. But consider this. Haven't you spent a single day without the company of your loved one? Haven't you been to a vacation without him? How did you feel then?

True, you may have missed them. But you didn't suffer as much as you do now. You may have even enjoyed your time alone, that certain space and freedom.

The only difference is this: PERSPECTIVE. Whereas before, you knew you'd see them again, right now you're burdened by a future of emptiness you see before you.

Don't think about that future yet. Don't think of the hundreds of days ahead that haven't even arrived.

Spend the day as you would as though all these didn't happen. It's hard, it will take all your willpower. But it can be done.

1. DISTRACT YOURSELF

Many people might say that this sounds like an escape mechanism, and I agree. But people who say it may not know how it is to really feel lost, empty and left all alone. They don't know how dark and painful it is in there and how any measure of light, even a flicker, could help you carry on.

Find as much distraction as you can to keep your mind from focusing on your loss. Focusing on such loss will not lead you anywhere but to further despair, especially when you're not yet strong enough.

One day at a time, try to survive the day, the hour, the minute, without your beloved.

1. REALIGN

Even escape mechanisms has its limits, an expiration date. Even the most skillful cannot fool themselves forever. When that time comes, you'll know that its time to realign.

For quite a time now, you were able to survive many days without your beloved. You have lived through empty days and you have filled your days with something else. They have not fulfilled you. But they have witnessed your survival.

Without being aware of it, the first steps of realignment have been made. Think about the following perspectives:

FIRST PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I spend each day with him. I share with him my dreams, my happiness, my hurts, my experiences.

SECOND PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I no longer spend each day with him, but as though like a prayer, I still share with him my deepest and most treasured emotions.

REALIGNMENT. Some things change. Yet some things remain. LOVE REMAINS.

In many situations, we can use this very important tool to help us adjust and still keep what's worth keeping.

When kids grow up, our relationship with them changes. Yet they're still our children, our love. But where before we could cuddle them anytime, now it suffices to know they're raising good families of their own.

Our friends too, may make moves that take them to far distances. They may take jobs elsewhere. Yet even these could not truly take away our friendship. We can still share with them our thoughts, dreams, hurts and achievements. And they will rejoice or weep with us just the same.

Where distraction merely avoids the issue of our loss, realignment brings us to the right perspective, to the TRUTH.

Without it, we may believe HALF-TRUTHS only and be overwhelmed. And what is this half-truth? The half-truth given us during a loss is this: That we have LOST EVERYTHING. It is a half-truth because nothing is every truly lost. We might have lost SOMETHING, a physical presence perhaps, the ability to hold their hand whenever we desire. But they have left us with SOMETHING, too. Their memory, their love, their soul. Something that has truly been a part of us can never ever be taken away. We carry that something with us, always, wherever we may go.

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When that day comes, let him think of God's covenant and take heart. Is
the sun's warmth perished out of the sky because the storm is cold with
hail and bitter winds? Is God's love changed because we cannot feel it
in our trouble? Is the sun's light perished out of the sky because the
world is black with cloud and mist? Has God forgotten to give light to
suffering souls, because we cannot see our way for a few short days of
perplexity?

No. God's message to every sad and desolate heart on earth, is that God
is Light, and in Him is no darkness at all; that God is Love, and in Him
there is no cruelty at all; that God is One, and in Him there is no
change at all. And therefore we can pray boldly to Him, and ask Him to
deliver us in the time of our tribulation and misery; in the hour of
death, whether of our own death or the death of those we love; in the day
of judgment, whereof it is written--"It is God who justifieth us; who is
he that condemneth? It is Christ who died, yea, rather who is risen
again, who even now maketh intercession for us." To that boundless love
of God, which He showed forth in the life of Christ Jesus; to that
perfect and utter will to deliver us which God showed forth in the death
of Christ Jesus, when the Father spared not His own Son, but gave Him
freely for us; to that boundless love we may trust ourselves, our
fortunes, our families, our bodies, our souls, and the bodies and souls
of those we love.
-OUT OF THE DEEP, WORDS FOR THE SORROWFUL

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He was a very kind man, a sweet and loving man who also happened to be a retired Captain of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, a proud veteran of the USAFFE in World War II. I loved him - very much, and regarded him as my very own father. He used to carry me up his shoulders when I was but a little girl. I never saw him mad. He was always calm and gentle, but with that certain kind of strength in him that never needed to be boasted about anymore. Maybe this kind of admiration was the source of my childhood dream of being a lady cadette officer. Well, I didn't realize that dream, but in my heart I knew I've acquired that kind of courage he had, and it sort of stayed with me through the years.

I also admired the kind of love he cherrished with my Grandma. Something that lasted for fifty golden years, the 50th year being the year of his demise. I often told myself that theirs was the kind of marriage I fervently pray to have - simple, sincere, lasting, abounding in love, courage and understanding. The day my Grandpa died, my heart broke, not only for my own grief, but for the grief of seeing such a blessed marriage come to a sudden end right before my eyes.

How indeed are we going to go about our lives after his passing? How do you let go? How do we spend our late evenings without his stories? How do we celebrate Christmas without his jolly smile? What do you do when you grieve the loss of a loved one?

The seat he occupied at dinner will remain vacant thereafter. The sight of him and Grandma embracing each other after a petty quarrel will be nothing more but a sweet memory to look back to.  Living through loss, healing, letting go, those words seemed so distant before it happened in your own life.

The funny thing was, I never really considered him old. He had always been strong and healthy and happy. I thought he'd always be there, for me, for my Grandma, for everyone who has ever gotten to know the wonderful person he is. But I guess death is like that. It takes from you in an instant the people you've cherrished for a whole lifetime. Just like that. As simple as that. And you are suddenly left with two things: anger for having been deprived of your beloved for no reason at all; and emptiness, a vacuum that gnaws right at your heart where all the joyful moments once had been.

And how will it be for people who have lost not only their fathers, but mothers, children, both parents, lifetime partners who spent their lives through thick and thin, who dreamt together and journeyed together and found meaning in each other's lives?

How are we to begin grieving for them? Where could we ever find the tears to weep, tears that will pour out and cry in behalf of our torn and shattered hearts?

1. Cry

Find those tears. Try to let them out however painful the process is. Let them out. Let them pour showers that will cleanse away every bit of darkness and bitterness from your heart.Shy not from crying out aloud. You have every right to be heard, and all the right to be hurt. No one's going to stand in your way even if you wail.

Let your cries rise up to the clouds, unto the ears of heaven who understand what sorrow mortal men go through in this valley of tears.Cry for the pain of parting. Cry for the sad mornings that will greet you without your lover's arms. Cry for the words that shall remain unspoken and unheard. Cry for the places you will never be able to walk together anymore. Cry for the dreams that will remain as dreams. Cry for the memories that will remain as memories. Cry for the hand that can no longer caress you. Cry for those eyes that can no longer see your tears.Cry your heart out. Because the truth is - it hurts, and it really hurts so much!

2. Forgive

There are many things we don't want to admit in times like these; things we believe would only dishonor the memory of our loved one, or things that would dishonor us before their memory. But unless we deal with these things, we would always be burdened by things that should have been buried with passing of our loved ones.a. Forgiving our loved onesPeople are not perfect. No matter how much we love them or no matter how good they are, they may have hurt us at one point or another. They may have judged us and disappointed us. We have to admit how they failed us, and then forgive them with a forgiveness that comes out of the generosity of our hearts. We know that we do not have time anymore, we can no longer wait for them to see their faults and ask our forgiveness.

So we forgive them. We let them go with no bitterness in our hearts.b. Forgiving ourselvesWhen our loved ones pass away, there is always a feeling of guilt left in us - how we haven't loved them enough, how we could've saved them, how we could've made them happier. But when we come to think of it, how much more could we have really done though? Even if we could've made a difference, could we be able to turn back the hands of time?Forgive yourself. Admit your faults, go to confession, slap your face hard, observe fasting for a week, shave your head even! But don't punish yourself forever for being unable to make the proper retribution. You can no longer do that. It's not your fault anymore. Blaming yourself could never earn for you the forgiveness you so desire. If you can't be content in praying for forgiveness alone, if you really believe you still have to do something to be forgiven, then do this - love those people still within your reach. Do this, and you'd have earned more than forgiveness; you'd have loved. Love heals. Love forgives.

3. Deal with the pain one day at a time

Grieving for our loved ones who passed away is probably one of the most painful things we'll experience in life. Deal with it one short day at a time. Don't think of the whole 25 or 50 years ahead of you. Just think of today, and of all the support being given you just where you are. It is times like these when we get to know who our true friends are, people willing to extend their hands and their hearts to help see you through. Accept the help given you, and you'll make it today.

4. Honor/ treasure their memory

Many people will suggest to you to move on, which is a fine thing. In the process though, they may also urge you to forget all about the past, and start letting go. Now letting go is not such a bad thing, it could mean giving up all our unrealizable expectations and all of the things we cannot do anymore. But to forget all things completely - to do so would be to start cheating on our true feelings for our beloved who passed away.We can't just act like we had amnesia all of a sudden.

We can't pretend that the things that happened didn't happen, and that the precious moments we've spent with our loved ones don't mean anything to us anymore. Something happened in the past. Souls touched in the past. Lives changed. Souls were inspired.Our grief is only amplified with the thought that we are forever parting with every remaining essence of our loved ones. That's what makes our mourning even worse, to believe that we are forever losing that part of our lives that changed us and made us happy. Don't throw it all away. When inspiration comes upon you, they need not leave. They never leave. They inspire us forever.

When my Grandpa died, I thought it was the end of the wonderful love he had with Grandma. But I was wrong. It did not end there. It cannot be ended that way. Up to this moment, I am still a witness on how true love is kept alive in the hearts and minds of those who carry on the radiance of its warmth.

5. Think of the legacy they left behind

I've always thought that when our loved ones go away, they take a part of ourselves with them. It's like a part of us withers away and dies. We feel like an arm or a leg had just been taken away and we can never be whole again. We feel we are lesser people than we used to be. We then wonder why people had to meet at all only to be separated in the end, only to feel broken and incomplete.

But then I've also learned that when people become part of each other's lives, their lives become richer from the whole new world opened before them by one another. They gain a new perspective, they get a deeper understanding of themselves, they learn new skills and hobbies, they discover new places, they get to love a new song. Each one leaves a mark, a precious legacy, a part of their very selves to the people they love.

I don't know if any grief counselling teaches you this, that even after their lives together had ended, even after one has gone and passed away, that part they have given to us will remain. Because when people become a part of us, a part of their own souls remain in us, forever enriching us, and we are never the same as before.

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."-Helen Keller

My Grandpa had been gone for 16 years now, but the things he left me, the imprint he left in my soul will always be there, guiding me through my journey ahead. Love of country, courage, dignity, love of family - these are the things I will always be thankful for.

6. Schedule activities that help vent out your emotions

You cried, you wept, you wailed. You're undergoing a grief so deep from your loss.  But as you miss your loved one more painfully with the passing of each day, you feel the emotions within you continue to surge, emotions that need to find a proper outlet to let go.

Scedule those activities with a friend that will encourage you to perform them:
-Play badminton, let go of all the hurts you feel everytime you hit the shuttlecock. Hit it hard! Hit it as far as you can.

-Run the treadmill. Everytime you feel the urge to escape, walk tirelessly. Walk like you never walked before. Run. Run and release the pain you keep within you.
-Swim, imagine your tears being washed away. Do your most powerful strokes, and glide away from all the expectations the world thrusts upon your shoulders. Just make sure a trusted friend and lifeguard is watching over you, okey?
-Grab a crayon and a sketch pad. Draw the abtract feelings you can't and don't want to decipher at the moment. Draw in hard wild strokes. Then tear the sheet in pieces.  Do everything within your power to find those shreds of inspiration that can keep you going on.  It would make your healing more bearable, believable.

7. Replenish your soul

Once the strong feelings begin to subside, replenish your soul with activities that promote peace, wholeness and a fresh beginning.

-Plant a seed and watch the new plant emerge from the ground from which it was buried.
-Take care of a chick and help it grow into a hen. You can even enjoy the eggs she will lay for you later!
-Watch a sunrise with a trusted buddy. See how darkness transforms into a magnificent rising of a brand new day.
-Travel somewhere you've never been to. Get to know the locals and try to enjoy their way of life.

8. Give yourself time to adjust and recover

It will take time for you to carry on your usual routines each day. Just be patient with yourself. One day survived is one day of battle won. The more days you suvive, the more confidence you will gain that you will make it.

If it's really difficult for you, you can try to write letters to your loved one as though you were only miles away.
This will help you cope with the abrupt change of suddenly not being able to talk with your loved one. This will also help keep your life in check as you literally report what you're doing with your life.

9. Think of the legacy you wish to leave behind

The torch has been passed on to you. Your life has been made richer by the legacy you received. What do you do now with what you have? What legacy do you want to leave behind to the people that matter most to you now? Remember that you are now a different person by having been a part of someone's life. Everything you do, any difference that you make in this life is not only because of you, but also because of the one who loved you. When you leave your mark unto this world, you leave a mark formed also by every person that truly touched your life.

10. Believe that God will see you through

God knows your grief. He weeps with you. He hopes with you. He cares for you so much that He willingly died for you to conquer death forever and to give you the perfect and eternal life He wants you to enjoy. Things have not ended here. They have only just begun. Take heart! He will see you through. It is Jesus Himself who said, "The girl is not dead but asleep." (Matthew 9:24)

When my Grandpa died, I used to doubt whether we can still smile again, now I know the answer: WE CAN.

© Jocelyn Soriano for I Take Off The MASK!, 2008. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: grief counselling, grieving, grieving loss of loved one, healing, loss of loved one, surviving loss, when you grieve the loss of a loved one, when you're in emotional pain

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I believe there is a way by which we can achieve a perfect balance in all these things, for after all, there is only one truth albeit different perspectives in seeing the truth.  If we can just learn to see things in a new way, maybe we can find a new way in living a better and fuller life we all deserve.

A spirituality that is not practical is no spirituality at all, but an illusion, or a dream that cannot be.  Its powers are nonsense, for it cannot be lived.  True spirituality is practical, and covers the connection between the soul and the mind, the body and the spirit.  True spirituality leads to healing, and from here we can seek much of the answers we are looking for in our daily life.

 What do you seek?  Is it wisdom?  Is it some answer to your long uttered prayer?

Let us learn to seek them here where I shall persist to discuss these things - spirituality, prayer, healing and wisdom for living.

SPIRITUALITY

Together we can ponder the mysteries of life be it so called miracles, near death experiences, the invisible force around us, the law of attraction and art of allowing.

PRAYER

Together let us let to go back to ourselves and utter the true desires and cries of our hearts.

HEALING

Is there any part of you that is in pain and needs healing?  Maybe we can find some of the causes and answers.  Maybe there'll be some words of comfort to accompany you today.

WISDOM FOR DAILY LIVING

No problem is too small if it bothers you.  No solution is too trivial if it can help alleviate your troubles and bring you closer to the better life you desire. 

I surely do not know most of the answers yet, but I know that as the need arises, we shall all be provided for with more than enough to find our way.

BE BLESSED!

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Does that mean other people weren't blessed? 

If God causes the sun to shine both on the good and the bad, will He withhold His blessings to some and give it only to a few?

Who are we to say that some people are less fortunate than us?

I believe that God pours His blessings upon us all... always.

And maybe, when we say that we are blessed, it is only like saying we have finally found the faith to receive what God is giving us.  Finally, we have recognized God's goodness, and for that, we say that we are blessed! 

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Sometimes we wonder why God had to wait until we're tired and worn out, until we've finally given up before He gives us what we want.

And the answer is that we have made Him wait that long before we allowed Him to carry on His work and give us what it is we've been praying for.

Let us repent therefore.

Repent as in the word "metanoia" which means "a change of mind".

From doing things our own way, let us trust and cooperate with the Spirit
so we may live the full life Jesus has promised us all!

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distracting us from our true and lasting joys.

Pleasure alone, brought by the senses

cannot make us truly happy.

They accompany us for a while,

but are soon forgotten

and we weep not for loss of their memory.

Pain on the other hand inflicts our soul

and we cry out for justice,

we seek for God's goodness.

What makes us happy then

if not the passions of our flesh?

It is the thought we render

upon whatever sensations that come our way,

the light by which our souls perceive true beauty,

by which love is revealed unto us,

changing us,

etching eternity unto our hearts.

It is thus that pain and pleasure become meaningful

even to be vehicles of good

It is thus when pain

reminds us

of the frailty of our pleasures

and how we should seek the things

that will truly last.

It is thus when the pleasure

of seeing a beautiful rose

sinks deep into our soul,

for then a rose is no longer just a rose,

but a gift most warmly and generously given,

always to remind us

how sweetly

and how strongly

we have been loved.

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imperfect though as they are;

sometimes you wish you can improve them,

that in one way or another

you can somehow make them perfect;

but then you realize

that even if these things happen,

they will no longer be the same ones

that you have loved;

you realize that you love them more

just being the way they were,

with all their flaws

and weaknesses;

you realize that you love

even these flaws

 and one way or another,

such things just blend in

and then you know

what true beauty

really means.

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Then you take his gentle hand
and you allow His peace to flood over you
like a soft cool breeze that touches your heart

And you cry your pain away
and you cry your anger away
and you rest your worries and your anxieties
and you believe that things will be okey

and things will be okey
because love will shine thru once more
because your desires will be crystal clear
because you know what really matters
and there is nothing you can do
to take you away
from the One that matters the most to you

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