When we lose a loved one, whether by a broken relationship or by unexpected death, the most difficult part we experience is the vacuum of loss we feel in our hearts.

All of a sudden, a very significant part of our life, maybe the biggest or most important part is taken away. There is no immediate replacement. What we have left is just a BIG VOID, an empty space, a black hole we cannot understand. We feel hallow, like our hearts have suddenly been taken away.

Our problems therefore are two-fold:

1. Lack of anything to look forward to for the next day and for the many many days to come.

2. No person to share with our thoughts, our dreams, our trivial problems, our discoveries, the funny experiences we have from day to day.

For the one thing that changed, that became absent in our life, everything else seems to have changed as well, everything was BROKEN.

I will not say that there is a magic formula. But I will try to suggest some things that could help. Do note however that the following only applies at the point of total loss or separation, where nothing could ever be done to remedy the situation. For breakups that need to be thought about, for relationships that need to be healed, for situations that need to be fought with all your strength and with everything you have, do not apply this yet. Thou can live with loss, but thou shalt not live with regret.

1. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT

I know, I know. That's technically impossible. But consider this. Haven't you spent a single day without the company of your loved one? Haven't you been to a vacation without him? How did you feel then?

True, you may have missed them. But you didn't suffer as much as you do now. You may have even enjoyed your time alone, that certain space and freedom.

The only difference is this: PERSPECTIVE. Whereas before, you knew you'd see them again, right now you're burdened by a future of emptiness you see before you.

Don't think about that future yet. Don't think of the hundreds of days ahead that haven't even arrived.

Spend the day as you would as though all these didn't happen. It's hard, it will take all your willpower. But it can be done.

1. DISTRACT YOURSELF

Many people might say that this sounds like an escape mechanism, and I agree. But people who say it may not know how it is to really feel lost, empty and left all alone. They don't know how dark and painful it is in there and how any measure of light, even a flicker, could help you carry on.

Find as much distraction as you can to keep your mind from focusing on your loss. Focusing on such loss will not lead you anywhere but to further despair, especially when you're not yet strong enough.

One day at a time, try to survive the day, the hour, the minute, without your beloved.

1. REALIGN

Even escape mechanisms has its limits, an expiration date. Even the most skillful cannot fool themselves forever. When that time comes, you'll know that its time to realign.

For quite a time now, you were able to survive many days without your beloved. You have lived through empty days and you have filled your days with something else. They have not fulfilled you. But they have witnessed your survival.

Without being aware of it, the first steps of realignment have been made. Think about the following perspectives:

FIRST PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I spend each day with him. I share with him my dreams, my happiness, my hurts, my experiences.

SECOND PERSPECTIVE

I love this person. I no longer spend each day with him, but as though like a prayer, I still share with him my deepest and most treasured emotions.

REALIGNMENT. Some things change. Yet some things remain. LOVE REMAINS.

In many situations, we can use this very important tool to help us adjust and still keep what's worth keeping.

When kids grow up, our relationship with them changes. Yet they're still our children, our love. But where before we could cuddle them anytime, now it suffices to know they're raising good families of their own.

Our friends too, may make moves that take them to far distances. They may take jobs elsewhere. Yet even these could not truly take away our friendship. We can still share with them our thoughts, dreams, hurts and achievements. And they will rejoice or weep with us just the same.

Where distraction merely avoids the issue of our loss, realignment brings us to the right perspective, to the TRUTH.

Without it, we may believe HALF-TRUTHS only and be overwhelmed. And what is this half-truth? The half-truth given us during a loss is this: That we have LOST EVERYTHING. It is a half-truth because nothing is every truly lost. We might have lost SOMETHING, a physical presence perhaps, the ability to hold their hand whenever we desire. But they have left us with SOMETHING, too. Their memory, their love, their soul. Something that has truly been a part of us can never ever be taken away. We carry that something with us, always, wherever we may go.

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Post tags: broken heart, death, grieving loss of loved one, healing, how do you handle the vacuum of loss, parting

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The world is full of hurting and comfortless hearts. But before you will be competent for this lofty ministry, you must be trained. And your training is extremely costly, for to make it complete, you too must endure the same afflictions that are wringing countless hearts of tears and blood.
-Streams in the Desert

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-Annie Johnson Flint

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Let the toiling, the tempted, and the sorrowing ever keep this in
mind. Let them have faith in Him who feedeth the young lions, and
clothes the fields with verdure--who bindeth up the broken heart,
and giveth joy to the mourners. There are Words of Cheer in the air!
Listen! and their melody will bring peace to the spirit, and their
truths strength to the heart.

-WORDS OF CHEER for the Sorrowing

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The beauty of the landscape depends upon contrasts, and would be
lost in one common surface of splendor. The grandeur of the
waves is in the deep hollows, as well as the culminating
crests; and the bars of the sunset glow on the background of
the twilight. The very condition of a great thing is that it
must be comparatively a rare thing.

We speak of summer glories, and yet who would wish it to be always summer? --
who does not see how admirably the varied seasons are fitted
to our appetite for change? It may seem as if it would be
pleasant to have it always sunshine; and yet when fruit and
plant are dying from lack of moisture, and the earth sleeps
exhausted in the torrid air, who ever saw a summer morning
more beautiful than that when the clouds muster their legions
to the sound of the thunder, and pour upon us the blessing of
the rain? We repine at toil, and yet how gladly do we turn
in from the lapse of recreation to the harness of effort! We
sigh for the freedom and glory of the country; but, in due
time, just as fresh and beautiful seem to us the brick walls
and the busy streets where our lot is cast, and our interests
run.

There is no condition in life of which we can say
exclusively "It is good for us to be here." Our course is
appointed through vicissitude,--our discipline is in
alternations; and we can build no abiding tabernacles along
the way.
-A TOKEN FOR THE SORROWING

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Post tags: grieving loss of loved one, happiness is temporary, the fleeting happiness of life, token for the sorrowing

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When that day comes, let him think of God's covenant and take heart. Is
the sun's warmth perished out of the sky because the storm is cold with
hail and bitter winds? Is God's love changed because we cannot feel it
in our trouble? Is the sun's light perished out of the sky because the
world is black with cloud and mist? Has God forgotten to give light to
suffering souls, because we cannot see our way for a few short days of
perplexity?

No. God's message to every sad and desolate heart on earth, is that God
is Light, and in Him is no darkness at all; that God is Love, and in Him
there is no cruelty at all; that God is One, and in Him there is no
change at all. And therefore we can pray boldly to Him, and ask Him to
deliver us in the time of our tribulation and misery; in the hour of
death, whether of our own death or the death of those we love; in the day
of judgment, whereof it is written--"It is God who justifieth us; who is
he that condemneth? It is Christ who died, yea, rather who is risen
again, who even now maketh intercession for us." To that boundless love
of God, which He showed forth in the life of Christ Jesus; to that
perfect and utter will to deliver us which God showed forth in the death
of Christ Jesus, when the Father spared not His own Son, but gave Him
freely for us; to that boundless love we may trust ourselves, our
fortunes, our families, our bodies, our souls, and the bodies and souls
of those we love.
-OUT OF THE DEEP, WORDS FOR THE SORROWFUL

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Post tags: grieving the loss of a loved one, healing, in the depths of sorrow and suffering, what to do grieving

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